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Parents throw up arms in exasperation over the fighting that exists between their children. One mother was heard to complain, "This was not what I envisioned for my family!" How to handle the rivalry between siblings and how to foster as much peace as possible is the purpose of this article.
In fact, parents may be unaware of how to handle the rivalry that exists in their children. Inadvertantly, they may either enable the competition or worsen its consequential symptoms of verbal and sometimes physical fighting. The following suggestions should help parents establish a truce between their children.
Developmental psychologists assert that siblings may set up their own private verbal and nonverbal language between themselves that marks the uniqueness of their relationship. What is typical in these cases is that their may, in fact, exist a collusion of negative behaviors that although are unspoken are well agreed upon by both.
In fact, research demonstrates that often the younger sibling provoked a negative reaction from the older sibling. This dicovery startled the researchers, as they had asssumed prior to videotaping that the older sibling would be the one who set the tone for the relationship.
Instead, researchers concluded from the videotaped reactions that the younger siblings knew of no other way to grab the attention of the older sibling. Instead, the younger sibling may have believed that provocation was the way to initiate contact. After repeated exposures to the provocations, the older siblings learned to look at their younger siblings as 'pests.' Herein lied the key to changing the dynamic, for if parents could retrain the younger sibling to call forth attention in a positive way, then perhaps, a better relationship could ensue.
Therefore, parents could supervise the interaction of their children with the goal of concentrating on ways to facilitate positive initiations for contact. Caregivers would be well served to recall the stage of development of toddlerhood. Many can recall that during this stage, the toddler tended to interupt whatever the caregiver was doing by tapping their finger on the caregiver's legs and arms or even rudely interrupting conversations by talking over the caregiver. In essence, the parent had to retrain the child to seek attention by using words and watching for when their was a pause in the conversation. Similarly, parents can be alert for similar difficulties with the younger sibling wanting attention from the older sibling.
As the children are interacting, parents can prompt the younger sibling to ask in a direct manner for what he/she wants. Remind them that they had to learn to do the same with Mom and Dad and, therefore, already know and have the tool to do so. Make certain that there is a big deal made when initiation is done constructively. Moreover, ask the older sibling to use respectful words and praise to strengthen the new method of initiation.
In addition, it cannot be overstated as to the importance of sharing each other's strengths during family gatherings and meal times. Demonstrating to the children that each is valued for his/her own unique contributions can go along way toward lifting the entire family's self- esteem. Steering children toward activities that bring out individual creativity and talent also earmarks for each that there is something special about each.
Sometimes, talents are mutually shared in siblings. In these cases, parents can relate to the children that there is room in the family sytem for several football players or fans, several musicians, artists, doctors, lawyers, etc. Have family discussions in these cases about brother teams such as Orville and Wilbur Wright, The Osmonds, and other famous family 'teams' who shared similar interests and talents. Let them know that an accomplishment by one IS an accomplishment for all and that one sibling's deeds do not in any dwarf the other's. Share with the children how you as parents provide cooperation among each other for validating and affirming the talents of the other. In this way, the sharing will illustrate that cooperating is already a hallmark of the family system.
Providing a separate space for each to play in for short periods of time also allows children a sense of appropriate boundaries for regrouping from a difficult interaction. The separate space does not have to be an enitre room of one's own. Instead, a corner or a chair can signify that all will leave the child alone for a few minutes if the child is in that space. However, limits need to be set for how long a child is permitted to withdraw and should be made clear beforehand.
Devices such as the phone, computer, stereo and even popular family toys should be allotted with a maximum time limit for use in each sitting. Parents can be creative with the time limit, as what works for limit setting during the week may need altering for weekend use as well as holiday period use. No child will be irrevocably harmed by a telephone conversation that is limited to 30 minutes, no matter how much they will try to convince you of this possibility. Putting time limits on the devices ensures that all will be able to use the devices and may go a long way toward improving the reaction when one or the other is using the device. Make it known that shouting, physically forcing the device or other bad behaviors are ways to lose the privilege of them.
Again, it can be helpful to illustrate the cooperation of adults who also vie periodically for use of the phone, computer, et. Demonstrate and call attention to how the adults respond to the conflict. Show the children that courtesy and respect for boundaries is the way to access what it is they think they need and want. If the conflict does not resolve itself, pull the priveleges on the use of the devices until they can demonstarte cooperation in other activities.
If the children are unable or unwilling to cooperate, it may indicate a serious disorder. A physical evaluation to rule out a medical or neurological issue as well as counseling may be recommended. A physician who is trained in pediatrics or family practice might be able to test for these indicators and may even provide a referral for counseling.
Let the children know that the behavior is a concern. Show them pictures of earlier times when they appeared to get along. Include them in your dreams for each of them and how it matters to you that they find ways to act civilly toward one another. Sometimes, for adolescent children it can be appropriate to make them aware that eventually parents may no longer be around for them. Help them to see that repairing the relationship now would help them in that event to reach out toward one another. Also allow older children to see how much their reaction controls the atmosphere in the home. Ultimately, peace is possible and parents can use the above tools to make that happen. Remember, that although these tips require much energy and focus in the beginning, they also require less energy and focus once they become habitual. Good luck!
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