Anger management techniques for children

It is important to look first at what anger is and its relationship to aggression or aggressive behaviour. Anger is an emotion or feeling. There has been difficulty pinning down exactly what we mean by an emotion or feeling. That is because a feeling is such an abstract term. And also because it is difficult for most people to express their feelings in adequate words and for us to fully understand someone else’s feeling.

Anger can also be described as a natural response to displeasure and frustration. Aggression, on the other hand, is the behavioural manifestation of such a feeling, that causes physical or mental injury to another or damage to property. We usually think of aggressive behaviour as obviously rough behaviour- hitting, shouting, pushing and shoving, etc. Aggression more often than not comes from feeling angry; but anger does not always have to lead to aggression. Adults mistakenly think that young children especially have nothing to be angry about since their lives are so taken care of for them. But it may in fact be worse for young children since they are not able to understand a lot of what is going on in the adult world around them. They have to accept things as they are and have to depend on others to provide almost everything for them. This can lead to frustration, feelings of loss and helplessness which can all lead to feeling angry.

When angry feelings (like all other feelings) are not released soon enough, they build up. Each new event that is perceived as frustrating or hurtful in some way adds another layer of anger to the system. This anger that stays there can then be triggered by present day situations. But there is a piling up of anger to be triggered. So the response may turn out bigger than the situation seems to warrant. Releasing anger is not just useful, it is necessary. The more anger is released the less the chances of aggressive behaviour occurring . Releasing anger also helps us to think clearer in all situations.

Children may have a harder time understanding their anger in order to control these negative feelings and be able to express them in appropriate ways. Yet we cannot wait for the aggressive behaviour to signal to us that the child is experiencing angry feelings. What if the child does not or cannot express that anger in aggressive ways? Maybe the child is releasing the anger by being rude or verbally abusive to others, or by ignoring others. The child may be turning the anger on himself- self-destructive behaviour such as starving himself, banging his head on the wall, etc. Other signs to look for that the child is carrying around angry feelings include deviant behaviour, not wanting to follow rules and guidelines, staying away from friends, declining performance in school.

What can adults do to help children cope with their anger?

· We can start by talking with them about their feelings and helping them to understand what they are feeling. It is also important not to blame them or make them think that they are bad for having these negative feelings. It is natural to have these negative feelings. We all do. But it is what we do about it that matters. When a child displays anger we must separate the feeling from the human being in there. We can deal with the anger while still loving the person.

· Stay with the child while he is working through the anger. Don’t abandon him. That way he will get the message that you are trying to help him through it. He won’t have to feel that you only like him or want him around when he has good feelings. This is one of the main reasons why putting an angry child in time-out is more harmful in the long run. A layer of rejection and invalidation get added to whatever the hurt is that is causing the anger. And the child may figure out that the adult is not able to cope and therefore help him with his feelings.

· Help the child to express the anger in appropriate words. Saying “it makes me feel so mad when my friend does…..” , rather than “I hate my friend” also helps him to identify his feeling and learn that it is the behaviour that triggers something in him and not that he hates another human being.

· Prevent the anger from building up. Don’t wait for the outburst. Set up times when the child can rough-play safely, or can run and scream as much as he wants. Physical activity also helps to release the tension. Pillow fights are good for releasing pent up frustration without hurting anyone physically. Punching bags and stuffed toys are useful pieces of equipment. Occasionally writing one’s feelings down and destroying it work well for some people. Drawing is sometimes helpful for young children.

· Be a good model to the child of how you control your own anger and express it appropriately.

The lessons they need to learn about coping with anger will not be learned when the child is punished for angry expression. He does not learn anything about how he feels and how he should deal with it. He still feels bad or he may learn to stay calm to be accepted. The lessons should not be taught when the angry outburst occurs, but as a natural part of daily routines.